this.rand()

I was cleaning out my email box today and found all sorts of goodies. http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/dave_barry/
http://www.andysmall.com/Pages/Neutral.html

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, \”What does love mean?\” The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

\”Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way.\” Charlie age 5
\”When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn\’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That\’s love.\” – Rebecca – age 8
\”When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You know that your name is safe in their mouth.\” Billy – age 4
\”Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.\” Karl – age 5
\”Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.\” Chrissy – age 6
\”Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don\’t yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings.\” Samantha -age 6
\”Love is what makes you smile when you\’re tired.\” Terri – age 4
\”Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.\” Danny – age 7
\”Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.\” Emily – age 8
\”Love is what\’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.\” Bobby – age 5
\”If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.\” Nikka – age 6
\”Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no\” Patty – age 8
\”When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you\’re scared they won\’t love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more.\” Matthew – age 7
\”There are two kinds of love. Our love. God\’s love. But God makes both kinds of them.\” Jenny – age 4
\”Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.\” Noelle – age 7
\”Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.\” Tommy – age 6
\”During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn\’t scared anymore.\” Cindy – age 8
My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don\’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.\” Clare – Age 8
\”Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.\” Elaine – age 5
\”Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.\” Chris – age 8
\”Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.\” Mary Ann – age 4
\”I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.\” Lauren – age – 4
\”I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her.\” Bethany – age 4
\”Love cards like Valentine\’s cards say stuff on them that we\’d like to say ourselves, but we wouldn\’t be caught dead saying.\”
Mike – age 8
\”When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.\” Karen – age 7
Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn\’t think it\’s gross.\” Mark – age 6
\”You really shouldn\’t say \’I love you\’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.\” Jessica – age 8
\”God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross, but He didn\’t. That\’s love.\” Max – age 5

Ok, be honest, we all knew this. That is right, I am a Sith Lord in disguise. If you don’t know what I am talking about, please send me your IP address and credit card numbers, so I can ban you from this site for being ignorant and then charge your card because I need large amounts of VX gas to further my plots.

Curious if you are as evil as I? Well, you aren’t so don’t bother contemplating it, because you will just burn out the single brain cell you still have working, assuming you know what a Sith Lord is and you can still get to this site and use your credit card.

how jedi are you? :: by lawrie malen

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered — Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives — Do good anyway.

If you\’re successful, you\’ll win false friends and true enemies — Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will perhaps be forgotten tommorrow — Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable — Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest man with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest man with the smallest mind — Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only hot dogs — Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight — Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you help them — Help them anyway.

Give the world the best that you have and you will get kicked in the teeth — Give the world the best that you have anyway.

If better is possible, then good is not enough.

Ryan and I have both been dealing with a lot of “growing up” issues so I thought this was appropriate.

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can\’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as \”dressed up.\”
10. You\’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won\’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don\’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer \”pretty good stuff.\”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. \”I just can\’t drink the way I used to,\” replaces, \”I\’m never going to drink that much again.\”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for just one sign that doesn\’t apply to you and can\’t find a single one to save your sorry old ass.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a \”power wash\” and rinse\”.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning\’ his salt, that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past – but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, \”Honey, you stick to the washin\’, ironin\’, cookin\’, and scrubbin\’. No wife of mine is gonna work.\”
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.
Many girls like to marry a military man – he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he\’s already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know \”why\” I look this way. I\’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren\’t paved.
How old would you be if you didn\’t know how old you are?
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth…. Remember about Algebra.
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up, or leaks.
I don\’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don\’t recognize you.
If you don\’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won\’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

\”Quality is never an accident. It is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, intelligent direction, and skillful execution. It represents the wise choice of many alternatives.\”
-Willa A. Foster

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not act but a habit.\”
-Aristotle

\”Of all our human resources, the most precious is the desire to improve.\”
-Anonymous

No quality assurance program, whether it be voluntary or imposed can correct frequent mistakes and unreliable performance introduced by insufficient training, inadequate laboratory environment, and poor administrative practices.
– William Horwitz

One trouble with Americans is that we\’re fixers rather than preventers.\”
- James Harold Doolittle

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.\”
- Peter F. Drucker

If you\’re doing something the same way you have been doing it for ten years, the chances are you are doing it wrong.\”
- Charles F. Kettering

Never confuse motion with action\”
- Ernest Hemingway

\”Do not tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.\”
- James J. Ling

There can be no economy where there is no efficiency.\”
- Benjamin Disraeli

You seldom improve quality by cutting costs, but you can often cut costs by improving quality.\”
- Karl Albrecht

\”…every successful quality revolution has included the participation of upper management. We know of no exceptions.\”
- Joseph Juran

C. W. Barron: Quality Quotes
Everything can be improved.
Martin Van Buren: Quality Quotes
It is easier to do a job right than to explain why you didn\’t.

Even if you\’re on the right track, you\’ll get run over if you just sit there.\”
-Will Rogers

Father-Daughter Talk

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican which she expressed openly. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich & the addition of more government welfare programs. Based on the lectures that she had participated in and the occasional chat with a professor she felt that for years her father had obviously harbored an evil, even selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. The self professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He stopped her and asked her point blank, how she was doing in school. She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. That she studied all the time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn\’t even have time for a boyfriend and didn\’t really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. That she was taking a more difficult curriculum. Her father listened and then asked, \”How is your good friend Mary doing?\”

She replied, \”Mary is barely getting by.\” She continued, \”She barely has a 2.0 GPA,\” adding, \”and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies.\” \”But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for her is a blast, she goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn\’t even show up for classes because she is too hung over.\”

The father then asked his daughter, \”Why don\’t you go to the Dean\’s office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0.\” He continued, \”That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.\”

The daughter visibly shocked by her father\’s suggestion angrily fired back, \”That wouldn\’t be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked real hard!\”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said, \”Welcome to the Republican Party\”

I hate supporting spam… but I have to.

I don\’t do windows because… I love birds and don\’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don\’t wax floors because… I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I\’ll feel terrible and they may sue me.
I don\’t mind the dust bunnies because… They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
I don\’t disturb cobwebs because… I want every creature to have a home of their own.
I don\’t Spring Clean because… I love all the seasons and don\’t want the others to get jealous.
I don\’t pull weeds in the garden because… I don\’t want to get in God\’s way, he is an excellent designer.
I don\’t put things away because… My husband will never be able to find them again.
I don\’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because… I don\’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
I don\’t iron because… I choose to believe them when they say\”quote\”;Permanent Press\”.
I don\’t stress much on anything because… quote\”A Type\” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol\’
woman!!!!

The preacher\’s, Sunday sermon was \”Forgive Your Enemies\”

Toward the end of the service, he asked his congregation, \”How many of you have forgiven their enemies?\” About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up thehands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady. \”Mrs. Jones,\” inquired the preacher, \”Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?\” \”I don\’t have any.\” She replied, smiling sweetly. \”Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?\” \”Ninety-three.\” She replied. \”Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world.\” The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: \”I outlived the bitches.\”