Ok, Jess and I watched Twilight New Moon the other night and I am still in a ball in the corner trying to understand if there was a point to those 2+ hours that I just missed. I have finally come to the conclusion that no, there is no point. The entire movie could have been made into about 12 minutes, because the rest of the time all we got to watch was one character or another staring off into the distance. For the record, if it was even a slight surprise to you that Jacob was a werewolf, you are a mental defective and should stick to watching Dora the Explorer that way the plot is linear enough for you to follow.
Let’s go through a checklist of what it takes to make a Twilight movie:
Anything surprising at all? Nope.
Wasting lots of time with montages as if that makes a movie? Check.
Lots of staring into the distance? Check.
Vocalizing the obvious? Check.
Taking a 2×4 to your head to make sure you have a low enough IQ to enjoy Twilight? Check.
The moral to the story is, if you drool on yourself, you will enjoy the movie. Otherwise….have some dignity and watch Battlefield Earth instead.
The only way I may watch another one would be if it was like this: