Anyone that travels these days knows the TSA is a huge joke. The rules constantly change, even from screener to screener. Sometimes I take my DVD player out, other times I dont. Sometimes my cane gets passed through several times, other times it is ok to go with me through the metal detector. The sooner we replace the TSA with either trained chimps or Skynet , the better. To illustrate my point, here is a thread from FlyerTalk :

So it just took me 35 minutes ‘to case clear security to get to my vegas flight. And I was the only one in line!

DFW A terminal

Tsa: id please
Me: that is my id ‘pointing to my PASSPORT
Tsa: sir where are going?
Me: las vegas
Tsa: last time I checked a map, las vegas is in the US!
Me: and?
Tsa: well then you don’t need a passport to go there
Me: and?
Tsa: so your passport is not valid id for this trip
Me: excuse me?
Tsa: yes I need a government issued id
Me: my passport is government issued, its issued by the government of the netherlands, would you like me to show you where that is on a map?
Tsa: that government is not recognized by the tsa. And I know that the netherlands is in norway. So I need to see a drivers license.
Me: the government of the netherlands is not recognized by the tsa? That’s dissappointing, im sure my queen will be absolutely distraught to hear that an id checker at the dfw airport is not recognizing her as a legitimate government. Its a good thing though that the tsa doesn’t set foreign policy, and that that’s left to the state department. Have you informed condileeza rice that the tsa is now deciding what governments will be recognized by the us government? Are you guys the jokers that decided to regonize kosovo as an independent state?
Tsa: condeleeza who?
Me: So my passport really isn’t going to work? And you need to see a drivers license?
Tsa: yes
Me: well here’s the problem ‘ I hand him my dutch drivers license ‘ see this is also issued by that government that you don’t recognize.
Tsa: hmmm…. Don’t you have anything that’s issued by the government in the us?
Me: I have my greencard but the problem is, like you said las vegas is in the us, according to the map you just checked, the same one that told you the netherlands is in norway. So since I don’t need a greencard to travel to las vegas, my greencard won’t work either even though it was issued by the dept of homeland security, the same part of the us government that the tsa is a part of.
Tsa: yes that’s true. Ok so you don’t have any valid id for travel in the US?
Me: apparently not, since my passport and drivers license is not recognized by the tsa and my greencard is not valid for travel within ths us.
Tsa: ok well you can travel without id, you’ll just need to go through additional screening.
Me: great
Tsa: I need a male assist.

Ten minutes later

tsa2: hi sir
Me: hi
tsa2: im going to go through your bags and then wand you, is that ok?
Me: sure
tsa2: sir what’s this? ‘pointing to my passport’
Me: that’s my passport
tsa2: but you told the id screener that you don’t have id
Me: that’s right
tsa2: so you lied to him
Me: no
tsa2: no?
Me: according to his requirements I did not have id that met his requirements for travel.
tsa2: huh?
Me: since im going to vegas, apparently my passport is not valid for traveling there, because accoridng to his map las vegas is in the us and since its in the us and I don’t need a passport to travel there, my passport is not valid for travel.
tsa2: huh?
Me: exactly
tsa2: ok?

There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…… Toto I don’t think we’re in Holland anymore.

One less moron on our countdown to everyone in the US…..

[Original Thread]

I admit it. You caught me. I have violated a patent several times in the last few weeks. Our cat Tiki needed some exercise, and BAM, Patent US5443036 slams me in the face. Who knew!?

Assuming there is only one moron involved, -1 more moron.

WTF! Some schools have decided to call Halloween “Orange and Black ” day, or even Harvest day. Why you ask? Because the Crazy Christians have decided that calling it Halloween gives too much of an homage to the old pagan rituals on which the day is based. Yep, that’s it. Basically, they think that if they call it something else, perhaps Satan will forget which day it is, is color blind, and will just not show up to rape and pillage their neighborhood until New Years when everyone drives home drunk. God forbid the Christmas tree, is based on a pagan ritual. And woe to the person that tries telling a conservative that Christmas shouldn’t be called Christmas but should be called “Winter Holiday” or “Winterfest” or “Lobsterfest” or whatever. Because they will get all crazy on you about how the holiday is because of Jesus CHRIST, and therefore should be called Christmas. Well, genius, Halloween is based on the killing of small woodland creatures ‘for sure’, sacrificing virgins ‘maybe’, the Spanish Inquisition ‘probably not’, and all other things that are evil. So hop down off your hypocritical high horse, if you can, put on a mask, and get tooth decay like the rest of us from all that candy!

So, let’s assume only 75% of the country is Christian, and only half of them are stupid enough to go for this. ‘I realize it is a stretch.’ That means 112.5 Million Morons to add to the list. 162.5 million morons to go.

We have all been there. You sleep with a chick you are sure was smoking hot at the club, but you wake up after she has taken the after sex shower and BAM…..whoa…..what the F…..you grab your clothes, and run out the door screaming, “I’ll call you.” Well, here is more proof of this amazing phenomena.

I am putting this in the 300 Million Morons category because someone out there wants to vote for her….like 20+ million of you. So, now we are down to 275 million and still counting.

For those of you that haven’t been to the site Dont Hate Him Girl , you should really go. But only listen to the advice if you are a’ clueless, b’ in such dire need of self-esteem you think it is ok to perform in a scat video, or c’ just divorced for the second time and already oogling the pool boy.

Case in point, here is the quote from the bottom of the front page today:

“Some pray to marry the man they love, my prayer will somewhat vary: I humbly pray to Heaven above that I love the man I marry.
~ by Rose Stokes ~”

Of course, some of us know how this should really read:

“Some pray to marry the man they love, my prayer will somewhat vary: I humbly pray I never say “I do” to anyone other than the one I love, otherwise I pray that I am sterile so as not to add to the already overpopulated planet of at least 300 million morons”.

I lost count on the moron scale on this one. Lets just say we are at 295M and counting…

Typically I bring my lunch and eat with my fellow co-workers in our little “cafe;”, and then we go shopping for an hour just to kill some time. Today we all went out as a group for lunch and that didn’t take nearly as long my regular lunch. The girls and I have stretching lunch out to a science.

I hate that I have nothing better to do at work than goof around on myspace. While I do find it interesting to look around at what other people from my past are up to, it’s not how I like to spend the majority of my time. I’d much rather be productive, but instead I hoard all my work until the last 30 minutes of my day so at least the last few minutes won’t be as torturous as the rest.

I suppose I could use my time to write the thank you notes I’ve been meaning to get out or respond to the pile of personal emails I have, but thinking of different ways to say thank you or tell the same story of my life doesn’t really help beat the boredom.

I think I’m going to go get a pedicure.

I admit, I love Quizno’s. Its a pretty good place to get a pretty good meal. However, when this commercial came out, I had to have it explained to me over and over again how this sells. Deformed little rats, singing, badly I might add, about food. I stopped eating at Quizno’s during this run, I just didnt want to find a flattened little rodent in my food, like that woman did with McDonalds in Southlake. In our moron count, lets assume this actually meant something to 1000 people. I know, that is probably way out of proportion, but its my blog, so back off. 1,000 morons down, 299,998,986 to go.

In December 1997, Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses.

Ok, just to be clear, I don’t want to pay a cover charge ‘$3.50′, which is a cheap cover, so I slip out of the bathroom and knock myself senseless because I am a clutz, but sue the club and win $12K. What exactly was the charge? The window sill was wet and not marked? I don’t understand what the actual charge was. What did the club do or not do that made it liable? It was charging cover and therefore caused mental duress, which in turn was a contributing factor to her falling? And what the heck did she get done that was $12K worth of work? I have had dental work by a great dentist, but I dont think I ‘and my insurance’ have paid that much in years.

So, in counting down our morons, here is the break down: Kara Walton’1′, Jury’12′, Judge’1′ for a total of 14 morons, leaving 299,999,986 to go!

Ok, I have broken down and added a new news category: “300 Million Morons”! For those of you that know me well, you will know exactly to what I am referring, the rest of you will just have to figure it out. So in the coming months, enjoy more of my rants!

It’s no surprise that our response to the situation is to take away toothpaste and shampoo. Business travelers now have to check their bag verses carrying it on. This will create more work for baggage handlers and there will be delays. People have to allow more time for travel. Anything that slows us down and takes away our mobility is not going to be good for the economy.

Here’s my proposal for lifting all “security” restrictions and allowing shampoo on the plane again:
You load police up with bulletproof vests, machine guns, knives, mace, side arms, and whatever else they might need to take someone down at the airport. Then the “evil doers” would see that we’re finished messing around and we’re just going to eliminate them instead of eliminating our own freedoms.

Blow ‘em up! Ask questions later.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWWW!

*shoots her pistols in the air*

[Ryan] Then of course we would be like Germany or the UK. Oh no!