ramblings Archive

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5 Reasons Marketing Departments are like 3 year olds

By
Xnuiem
– September 10, 2011Posted in: ramblings, thoughts
  1. You have to repeat yourself a lot.
  2. You have to explain things over and over again in different ways, and still not get the point across.
  3. It doesn’t matter what else is going on in your life, their wants are far more important than your (or anyone else) needs.
  4. They think everything for which they ask is very simple, and no amount of evidence will convince them otherwise.
  5. They think “Now” is a completely legitimate deadline.

Of course, this could apply to a lot of different departments, heck, I am sure some poor delusional soul out there thinks these could apply to IT, but for now, let’s remember, the just fit best with Marketing.  Not a specific Marketing department, but just about all with which I have ever worked.

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Is God Pro-Life? I doubt it.

By
Xnuiem
– August 30, 2010Posted in: 300 million morons, ramblings, thoughts

If you, like us, spend any time driving in rural parts of Texas and New Mexico, you have seen the deluge of Pro-Life billboards and parenting ads.  I assume that out in the sticks there isn’t anything else for the teenagers to do but make babies, so the prevalence is a lot higher out there.

On our recent vacation I saw one that said “God is Pro-Life”, and man did that annoy me.  Is God Pro-Life?  If you are answering unequivocally “yes”, how the heck do you know?  Did you ask him?  Did he blog it?  Did you get the memo?  Last I looked we, humans, were given free choice by God, so the facts would tend to lead to the conclusion he is Pro-Choice.

For those of you that don’t know, I am Pro-Choice.  I don’t see it as my place to tell others what to do in their relationship, with their bodies, or with their lives.  That is a decision everyone should make on their own, and the consequences, one way or another, are between you and God.  No one else.  That same outlook also makes me for Gay Marriage, since again, who am I to condemn someone’s way of life.  If they are happy and not making me or mine unhappy, I don’t care who or what they do.

I am also pretty damn sure the Bible said do not judge people, love everyone, and treat everyone (and by extension their beliefs) with respect and generosity.

So to those of you running around all pissed at me now for saying God is actually Pro-Choice…why do you care?  Are you, personally, going to adopt each possible abortion?  If not, you don’t have a pony in the race and should sit down.

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Christian Science just rubs me wrong

By
Xnuiem
– July 31, 2010Posted in: ramblings, thoughts

Ok, starting this off, I probably have to preface my rant.  I am not saying Christian Science is full of crap, just that they have an aspect that just really annoys and pisses me off.  I am not saying I have all the answers or advocating one religion over another or downing any of them, except perhaps Islam since it is just retarded you cant draw a picture of Muhammad.

For those of you that do not know, my wife is Christian Science, and I of course love her.  I am really ok with CS, but this one thing just irks me.

At the beginning of each CS service, they set up what CS is, which is a good thing since it is a less traditional take on the Protestant movement.  Part of that little spiel is they explain that there is no pastor, just the Bible and their “textbook”: Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures. That book was written back in the late 19th century by Mary Baker Eddy, the founder of CS.  They then explain that the reason for not having a pastor is “un-divorced from truth, uncontaminated and unfettered by human hypotheses and divinely authorized”.  Um…so you don’t want a pastor, because you don’t want your message contaminated by humans, and yet you read from a book that a human wrote that is admittedly not the Bible?  WTF?  Really?  Do you even bother to listen to yourself?

Just to reiterate, pastors are bad because they speak what they think with the Bible as a guide, fettering the message if you will, so instead we read only from two books, one of which a mortal non-divine woman wrote about 120 years ago.  If you have never read the CS book, you should.  It is basically her responses to the scriptures.  For example…

Bible
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. – Matthew 5:5

CS Textbook
Whatever text the “Mother Church” in Boston decides will be the response.  A few weeks ago it something to do with authority which didn’t make any sense to me, since it just didn’t seem relevant.

So yes, they do “fetter” the Bible, and God’s word, which I am honestly OK with since I go to church.  Let’s just not start off every single sermon message thing with a hypocritical statement.  There is enough of that to go around in organized religion as it is.

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New Moon….please make it end

By
Xnuiem
– July 8, 2010Posted in: 300 million morons, ramblings, thoughts

Ok, Jess and I watched Twilight New Moon the other night and I am still in a ball in the corner trying to understand if there was a point to those 2+ hours that I just missed.  I have finally come to the conclusion that no, there is no point.  The entire movie could have been made into about 12 minutes, because the rest of the time all we got to watch was one character or another staring off into the distance.  For the record, if it was even a slight surprise to you that Jacob was a werewolf, you are a mental defective and should stick to watching Dora the Explorer that way the plot is linear enough for you to follow.

Let’s go through a checklist of what it takes to make a Twilight movie:

Acting?  Nope.
Plot?  Nope.
Anything surprising at all?  Nope.
Wasting lots of time with montages as if that makes a movie?  Check.
Lots of staring into the distance?  Check.
Vocalizing the obvious?  Check.
Taking a 2×4 to your head to make sure you have a low enough IQ to enjoy Twilight?  Check.

The moral to the story is, if you drool on yourself, you will enjoy the movie.  Otherwise….have some dignity and watch Battlefield Earth instead.

The only way I may watch another one would be if it was like this:

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Top 15 Advantages of Being a Temp

By
Xnuiem
– May 25, 2010Posted in: ramblings, thoughts

I’ve held onto a list from Dilbert.com from 2001 as to the Top 15 Advantages of Being a Temp.  It’s still so true.
1. You’re only lending your soul, not selling it.
2. You won’t be there when the fruits of your labor turn rotten.
3. Trying on a different personality at each new job site.
4. You don’t have to continually fork over park of your paycheck for coworkers’ weddings, babies, birthdays and anniversaries, or children’s school, scouts, athletic, and band fund-raising efforts.
5. No one gives you clothes emblazoned with the company logo and then expects you to wear them.
6. You can avoid the internal “war”. I once temped at an office so divided and filled with hate, one half wouldn’t even speak with the other.. it was my job to convey messages between the enemy camps.
7. Your true Pointy-Haired Boss is usually miles away… and the “customer” PHB can often be ignored.
8. Overtime at time and a half! woohoo!
9. Leaving at 4:30.
10. Eight words: “It was like that when I got here.”
11. You get to hear the words, “good job” and “please stay” frequently.
12. When the company goes out backwards your resume says you worked for an agency.
13. You don’t give a rat’s hoohaa what the stock is doing.
14. I know my end date.  The directs don’t.
15. It’s like being the only lemming in the group with a parachute…

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Obama is a Douche

By
Xnuiem
– May 20, 2010Posted in: 300 million morons, ramblings, thoughts

Dear Mr. President, ever hear the phrase, “no one can call my sister ugly but me?”.  I didn’t think so.  But take a hint, and dont applaud when the President of Mexico rails on your people for upholding federal law, and being far less severe about it than Mexico is.  You may not like AZ right now, but at the end of the day, they are still US citizens, (mostly legal ones).  Allowing El Presidente to talk like that not only makes you a complete hypocrite, but a douche.

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12 Things Women need to know about Men when it comes to Sex

By
Xnuiem
– April 14, 2010Posted in: ramblings, thoughts

These assume you are in a relationship, one night stands, booty calls, and f*ck buddies do not count.  There is another set of rules mostly ending with “just f*ck me”.

  1. Yes, we think about sex a lot.  In fact, if you actually knew how much or in what detail, you would never stop blushing.   It is how we are wired.  It is like you thinking about if your ass looks fat in jeans or your hair is frizzing due to humidity, we are just more direct and simple than that.
  2. If you consider the relationship like a tall building, women are up on the 100th floor, all CEO like, communicating, being rational, using logic, and trying to connect before and during sex. Men are in sub basement J working on the furnaces turning up the heat until clothes come off.
  3. We worry about our body just as much as you do, we just don’t dwell on it when we are naked together, we are far more interested in your body at this point.  Take a hint from that, we would like it to be the same way.  When we are naked together, don’t worry about what I think of your body, because guess what, it looks great to me, if it didn’t, we wouldn’t have tried so hard to get you to this point.  Don’t be so uptight about your thighs/breasts/stomach/hips/ass/pubic hair (or lack thereof)/smell/taste that you let a great night of sex with your willing and hungry man pass you by.  Turn off that part of your head, look into our lustful eyes, and try to see you as we do: An amazing goddess that we want to have/taste/touch every inch of and give a great night.
  4. When you say “Don’t stop”, for some reason we hear “do it faster/harder/better”.  So, do us a favor and be even more direct, something like “just like that, perfect, just like that”.  Let’s face it, at this point, we don’t have enough blood left in our head to recognize our native language, much less understand complex directions like “don’t stop”.
  5. Your vagina is foreign soil to us.  We didn’t get to play with a vagina 10 times a day during junior high like we did with our cocks.  So, when we are down there, give us some direction.  A little to the right?  To the left?  Somewhere in the middle? Fingers?  No?  You will like it better and we will be even more confident about doing it.
  6. Don’t ever fake it.  Tell us what you need to get off.  We want you to get off, as much as you want.  By this point, we are going to get off.  It isn’t hard to make us climax, and since we actually are into you and want to come back for more, tell us what you need to make it happen.
  7. Talking dirty is all sorts of hot.  You don’t have to swear or even use a recognizable language; moaning, breathing, and gasping are all good.  If you don’t believe me, call your man at work some time, and just make those types of noises into the phone.  I promise you, there is a severely horny man on the other end of the line trying to figure out how to cancel meetings and rush home to pounce you.
  8. Don’t ask us for honesty when looking at clothing.  We will say anything looks great if it increases our chance of getting to peel it off you.  Besides, we are usually thinking about having a tryst right there and then in the dressing room.
  9. Don’t demean us for kinky ideas.  We are like Jacques Cousteau, and want to explore all kinds of things.  We have seen a lot of porn in our life and are curious if a finger around your anus will make you scream in pleasure.  We aren’t trying to offend or anything, just curious, and are comfortable with you enough to suggest (or try) it.
  10. Blowjobs are amazing. We love them.  If you are adverse to giving, let us know why and we will fix it.  Do you need directions, candles, pretty smells, us to shave or trim, what?  We will fix it, I promise you.
  11. Just because we notice another woman, doesn’t mean we are even considering anything with her.  Maybe she had those shorts with something written on the ass, or some bling tried to burn our retinas, or something was off, or we know her from work, etc.  Perhaps we just noticed her because you are so much more desirable and she doesn’t know she is being outshone and out classed by you in your sweat suit instead of pretending behind designer clothes or makeup.
  12. Even thought you may not feel desirable or lusty at the moment because you are eating/cooking/cleaning/running etc, you are.  You always are, no matter what.  For the record, your sweat contains pheromones that drive us nuts, so next time you aren’t feeling sexy because you just worked out, remember your body didn’t get the memo and is broadcasting the menu to us.
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We are Moving…

By
Xnuiem
– March 15, 2010Posted in: ramblings

OK, it is official, we are moving.  The house in Keller is sold, we close this month, and are moving to Flower Mound.  We are moving to a much larger home, also to be closer to the ranch were we keep our horse soon to be horses.  Nothing wrong with Keller, just ready for a change.  Been here over six years which is a record for both of us, and time to move along.  Running the company and having another kiddo requires more space than our house has now, so we found a buyer and found a new house and are excited to go.  Maybe we will have a house warming of some kind, Jess would know, I don’t do that stuff.  So, yeah!

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12 Reasons Why Gay Marriage Should Be Illegal

By
Xnuiem
– February 4, 2010Posted in: 300 million morons, ramblings, thoughts
  1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.
  2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children.
  3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
  4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage is allowed, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
  5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is illegal.
  6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.
  7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
  8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
  9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
  10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
  11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to things like cars or longer life-spans.
  12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.
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Big Pax on AA

By
Xnuiem
– December 3, 2009Posted in: 300 million morons, airlines, links, photos, ramblings

I am a pretty big guy, not fat, but very tall and broad shouldered and the little airline seats suck for me, and more so for the person next to me…but this is fricking ridiclous!

http://www.flightglobal.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-tb.cgi/73953Big jpg

This is just crazy.  How can this be safe?  How did he even get on the plane with only one seat and not three?  I know AA is retarded, hence the reason I do not fly them anymore, but dear God, someone do something!

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