Happy 2005! We’’re almost a month into the New Year and things have been on the busy side. I think as you age things start speeding up, which makes since because you have more time under your belt to compare things to. When you’re a kid a week seems like forever because out of the life you’’ve lived so far it is, but as you age you find yourself looking at the clock on Friday at 5 thinking, “Where did the week go?”

What have we been up to? We have a new fish tank, which occupied many weekends, but now that we’re about stocked to our max that has slowed down. This past weekend we stayed home. Ryan didn’t want to ride around and irritate his hip, so I was forced to do some touch up painting around the house. I still have quite a bit to go. My goal is to have it done before company gets into town, but I think I’’m the only one that notices there’’s even a problem.

The dog and the cat, they’’re having to earn the privilege of being called by their names, recently had some fun in the trash. I’’d thrown away an old ham, and for the first few days I was concerned about them getting into it, but to my surprise they ignored it, so that of course lead me to let my guard down. Sure enough we came home one night to quite the mess. The fact that there was trash all over the kitchen was the least of our problems. The dog ate so much that he just about popped. He went #1 in two different places ‘thank God it was on the tile’ and #2 on the carpet. He was hiding under the table when we came home. He, unlike the cat who was still gorging herself as we walked into the kitchen, knew he’’d been bad. He got to spend quite a bit of time outside ‘being sick’ and in his crate. Unfortunately he didn’’t have the sense to not eat what he was unable to keep down. I thought our dog was above doing something that disgusting, but alas, he is a dog. It wasn’t until 3 or 4 days later ‘we had to get him to the groomer’ that he was able to venture around the house. I do not think he’’ll be doing something like this again, but I’m quite sure the cat will. If she licked a pan of bacon grease clean, then a little rotten ham isn’t going to stop her. Actually, she’s spending her day in the utility room because this morning I thought I’d be generous and let her run around while we were getting ready. It dawned on me that she must be up to no good when it had been 5 minutes and she wasn’t in the bathroom begging to be fed, something unheard of. Just as I suspected, she was in the sink licking a pan I left to soak overnight. Ah, the joy of animals.

          

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a \”power wash\” and rinse\”.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

          

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning\’ his salt, that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, \”Honey, you stick to the washin\’, ironin\’, cookin\’, and scrubbin\’. No wife of mine is gonna work.\”
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he\’s already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know \”why\” I look this way. I\’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren\’t paved.
How old would you be if you didn\’t know how old you are?
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth…. Remember about Algebra.
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up, or leaks.
I don\’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don\’t recognize you.
If you don\’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won\’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

          

Father-Daughter Talk

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican which she expressed openly. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich & the addition of more government welfare programs. Based on the lectures that she had participated in and the occasional chat with a professor she felt that for years her father had obviously harbored an evil, even selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. The self professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He stopped her and asked her point blank, how she was doing in school. She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. That she studied all the time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn\’t even have time for a boyfriend and didn\’t really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. That she was taking a more difficult curriculum. Her father listened and then asked, \”How is your good friend Mary doing?\”

She replied, \”Mary is barely getting by.\” She continued, \”She barely has a 2.0 GPA,\” adding, \”and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies.\” \”But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for her is a blast, she goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn\’t even show up for classes because she is too hung over.\”

The father then asked his daughter, \”Why don\’t you go to the Dean\’s office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0.\” He continued, \”That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.\”

The daughter visibly shocked by her father\’s suggestion angrily fired back, \”That wouldn\’t be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked real hard!\”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said, \”Welcome to the Republican Party\”

          

I hate supporting spam… but I have to.

I don\’t do windows because… I love birds and don\’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don\’t wax floors because… I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I\’ll feel terrible and they may sue me.
I don\’t mind the dust bunnies because… They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
I don\’t disturb cobwebs because… I want every creature to have a home of their own.
I don\’t Spring Clean because… I love all the seasons and don\’t want the others to get jealous.
I don\’t pull weeds in the garden because… I don\’t want to get in God\’s way, he is an excellent designer.
I don\’t put things away because… My husband will never be able to find them again.
I don\’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because… I don\’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
I don\’t iron because… I choose to believe them when they say\”quote\”;Permanent Press\”.
I don\’t stress much on anything because… quote\”A Type\” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol\’
woman!!!!

The preacher\’s, Sunday sermon was \”Forgive Your Enemies\”

Toward the end of the service, he asked his congregation, \”How many of you have forgiven their enemies?\” About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up thehands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady. \”Mrs. Jones,\” inquired the preacher, \”Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?\” \”I don\’t have any.\” She replied, smiling sweetly. \”Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?\” \”Ninety-three.\” She replied. \”Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world.\” The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: \”I outlived the bitches.\”

          

Hebetude
\\HEB-uh-tood-; -tyood\\
noun
Mental dullness or sluggishness.

While too many Americans slouch toward a terminal funk of hebetude and sloth, Bendians race ahead with toned muscles, wide eyes and brains perpetually wired on adrenaline.
–\”Wild rides in the heart of central Oregon: Bent out of shape in Bend,\” Washington Times, August 11, 2001

Earlier on, when we merely democratized fame, we defended the right of any mouth-breather to rise from deserved obscurity on the strength of his God-given hebetude.
–Florence King, \”The misanthrope\’s corner,\” National Review, May 18, 1998

From that solitude, full of despair and terror, he was torn out brutally, with kicks and blows, passive, sunk in hebetude.
–Joseph Conrad, Nostromo

Courtesy of Dictionary.com

This word came up during a computer training class at work I endured today. It wasn\’t too horrible, but I must say I was quite concerned when the class started out with, \”This is your desktop. These pictures are icons. This is the start menu. This is how you turn off your computer.\” I\’m sorry but if you don\’t already know these things, you don\’t need to be working here.

          

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message \”Bad Command or File Name\” is about as informative as, \”If you don\’t know why I\’m mad at you, then I\’m certainly not going to tell
you\”.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it. :’

          

My drive to work this morning was very interesting. I found myself stuck next to a pompous ass in a new VW Touareg. I’m quite confident this is an accurate description, due to his driving, slicked hair, long sleeved blue dress shirt with the white collar and sleeves, and gaudy watch reflecting the morning light. I will never understand why people floor it only to slam on their breaks and give the person in front of them a heart attack. It’s rush hour traffic. Deal with it. The amusing part was that no matter how many times he gunned it and flew off into the distance, I always caught back up to him in time to observe him hitting the breaks. Eventually he broke off at the highway spilt and I turned to the radio for amusement, where I was informed of the most disgusting thing ever: a Krispy Kreme drink that tastes like their glazed doughnut. http://www.krispykreme.com/frozenblends.html I must admit that this doesn’t look as disgusting as it sounded because my mental image was of a milkshake where this is actually frozen. I will never understand the lure of those lard covered bricks either. I remember my first encounter with Krispy Kreme, and while many look back on their first with fond memories, I will forever gag at the noxious smell and disgusting ooze that coated the back of my throat. I’m sure it was comparable to the time Tiki, our cat, licked a pan of bacon grease clean and proceeded to lick her chops for the next 3 days. Many people at work comment on how healthy I eat, Ryan experiences this as well, because I don’t eat fast food. Folks, let me explain something…. once you quit eating fast food and get beyond the cravings for it, the thought of it repulses you. I’m not exercising this amazing self discipline, although I’d love to say I was; it’s just nasty stuff. Anything that makes you sick after you haven’t eaten it for a while, sits heavy in your stomach, and makes your poo float isn’t good for you. These are not natural reactions you should have from eating. Just like that new pill they’re advertising for women that’s birth control and cuts your menstrual cycles down to 4 times a year. That’s not normal. I cannot imagine how much drugs have to be floating around in your system to accomplish that result.

          

Ryan and I were talking about the website last night. We really want a new design and I thought my mother was going to do it, but it seems that she’s quite busy with other things. I think Ryan is going to attempt Photoshop again. He does a pretty good job.

I have been super busy with my job, but wouldn’t want it any other way. I love being back here. The drive this week has been a little tough because we haven’t been able to carpool. I don’t mind it in the mornings, just in the evening. Traffic is never bad, but I just want to be home and not deal with all the morons on the road. Every time we venture around the neighborhood we end up having a conversation about how horrible the drivers are in the area. Thank God for each other. We would have gone crazy long ago without the other.

I’m making friends at work which is so cool. It’s the little things that really make a difference. From doing all the temp work I’ve done for the past few years, it’s been difficult to make friends. I have a girl here who I have a blast with ‘lunch is never long enough’. We’re going to have her and her fiancé out to the house for a BBQ once the weather is a bit more predictable. We’re doing dinner this next weekend with a co-worker and his wife. There is also a housewarming coming up for another co-worker. It’s just so cool! Seeing as how we typically stay at home and don’t go to bars or clubs, it’s difficult to meet people that we like. I’m sure if we did the bar/club thing we wouldn’t meet anyone we were interested in knowing anyways. ‘There’s a little elitist attitude for you college people.’

Our house is really coming together. We were able to purchase some bookshelves we’d been eyeing for quite some time. We were able to show the long overdue respect to our books by getting them off the floor. Ryan was so proud putting them away. He’s always wanted a library, and now we have one. We’ve already used it a couple of times. The candles provide just enough light to be able to read in the cozy makeshift chair. The house is so relaxing. There’s nothing better than taking a bath and then snuggling up in the library. I believe we’re getting a king bed next.

          

We have been super busy. We’ve moved into the house. Finally… a month later… we got our key back from the builder. The carpet was replaced ‘what a mess’ and various painting, caulking, fixing, and re doing had to be done. We’ve already painted most of the rooms. We took advantage of the fact we didn’t have to be careful with our old carpet. Painting without having to worry about a drop cloth was nice. It’s finally starting to feel like home. I’ve been burning candles as much as I can and slowly have started putting up the few nick-knacks we have. The house is very bright. It’s so clean and relaxing.

We’ve been quite the handy couple. Ryan’s been quickly learning how to use various tools. We’ve found that Home Depot is a very very evil place. We attempted to install hardware on our cabinets in the kitchen ourselves. We thought that was a good idea, but it’s turned out to be a bad one. The first handle went on a little crooked and the second one is level but the holes are too close together so the actual hardware won’t go on. Soooo now we’re going to pay a pro to come in and fix our mess. But other than that and the scare of me thinking I broke my sink in the master ‘long story’ things have been going well.

I’ll try and post more later but don’t hold your breath.