• If someone in a Lowe’s store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Texas
• If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas
• If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas
• If ‘Vacation’ means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas
• If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas
• If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas
• If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas
• If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas
• If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph — you’re going 80 and everybody’s passing you, you may live in Texas
• If you find 60 degrees ‘a little chilly,’ you may live in Texas

Let me give you some background…Some people might find the spray of the toilet refreshing on their derriere. I am not one of those people. I think that automatically flushing toilets are a great idea as long as they are calibrated properly. I cannot stand having the toilet randomly flushing on me, and of course they typically decide to act that way when I *really* have to go to the bathroom. So when the toilets start flushing I rush to stand up, which makes it difficult to relax. ‘There was one time I was at the airport and *all* of the toilets were randomly flushing. I kept getting up at the sound of every flush because I was never sure if it was mine or one next to me.’

So, the other night Ryan came over and flushed the toilet while I was using it.

[Ryan: I am still laughing]

Anyways, this would be great:

Good job Ryan. Great posts.

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat’s Answer:

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican’s Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Republican’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click…..’sounds of reloading’.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click

Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hornady’s?”

I’m about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family,
and I would like to ask you to assist me. I’m going to walk across
the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few
arrangements. I know you can help with this.

I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports,
immigration quotas and laws. I’m sure they handle those things the
same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that
I’m on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting
the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might
need, whether I use them or not.

3. All government forms need to be printed in English.

4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.

5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the
flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.

7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and
lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver’s license so I can get easy
access to government services.

9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won’t make any
effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the
memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all
police officers speak English.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals
on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not
want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes,
and don’t enforce any labor laws or tax laws.

13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice
and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might
place on the economy.

14. Eventually I want to be able to vote and have all election materials

and notices sent to me in English with Spanish as a second language..

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these
things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico.

I am sure that Pres. Fox won’t mind returning the favor if you ask him
nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail
hunting with your V.P.